When you all you try to exude is positivity. When you show your love and appreciation without reservation, the way God intended. When you don’t enjoy speaking harshly of your fellow man but instead take Ephesians 4:29 to heart and live it out.
That is when you are most vulnerable.
When expletives have no room in your vocabulary. When respect is what you give and what you want. When you realize that there exist a Friend Zone in which friends place you where you’re just “that nice guy” and not “the best friend”.
That is when life is most difficult.
Now, excuse me please. I hate to talk ill of someone behind their back. I feel like it accomplishes nothing. I feel like it does not help someone towards realizing their fullness. But I also believe that there is a time and place for such discussion.
This is not a discussion. This is venting.
I miss my people. I miss embracing our collective Asian -ness. I miss automatically clicking with someone just because they come from the same background I do. I miss it.
But here’s the kicker: I don’t miss it enough to jeopardize my life’s path.
I could have gone somewhere else. I could have gone where there were more of my people. I don’t need this place. It doesn’t need me. But I choose to come here.
Telling me that I am able to be here just because of something I cannot control such as my skin color is insulting.
I understand you had good intentions. I understand that we are buddy-buddy. I understand your sense of humor. But there has to exist some sort of line.
I got my money because I am a leader that strives to represent my people. To tell me that I got my scholarship because I am colored is an insult. And I apologize for letting this happen. I understand that I am at fault also. I have not taken the stance that I should be taking against this. But I will now.
You are basically telling me that my leadership means nothing. You are telling me that I gave up many privileges for nothing. You are telling me that whatever I put my work into, my time into, my being into means absolutely nothing just because of my skin.
All that I am is nothing more than brown skin.
I am not worthless. I did not ride on something that no one has the power to control. I did not take advantage of an already broken system.
To tell me otherwise is to disrespect everyone I represent.
You do something that means something. You be someone that matters. Then talk to me.
I think it is sad that this still exists, both in seriousness and in jest. You are part of the reason why. I am part of the reason why. But no more.
You know who I am. You know what I do and don’t do. I won’t cuss you out. I won’t belittle you in public. I wont call you out. At least not yet. This is neither the time nor the place.
But be ready because the time will come.
You know, my anger is manifested very quietly. I feel like I would accomplish so much more if I were the type that would burst. Sadly, I am not. But even then, this feeling is a dangerous drug. At the same time, I do not want to continue feeling this way and I want to dwell in it for a little longer.
But please take heed because the time and place will arise. Just wait.
Ok. Let’s put this out there before we go any further: I love my mommy. I really do. Someone once told me that the way I treat my mother will be the way I treat my wife in the future and I think that makes sense. So I try to tell my mom that I love her before she leaves for her work during the night shift and I try to help her with chores and stuffs because I want to do that for my future wife.
So I took AP Psychology at the beginning of this year and one of the first topics we talked about was the Psychoanalytic school of Psychology founded by Sigmund Freud. Now, this guy was weird. He associated a lot of early psychological analysis to sex and aggression. Mind you that Psychology is probably the newest branch of science so this guy was a pioneer and his early “discoveries” opened up a new frontier.
And so Freud is famous for having his patients do free association during appointments. When you think of psychological therapy, you probably think of laying down on a huge sofa and telling the therapist about your feelings. That is all Freud.
As aforementioned, Freud related a lot of his analysis to sex and aggression. One of his weirdest analyses was that one seeks the approval and affection of their opposite gender parent. So in my case, according to Freud, I seek my mother’s attention. A deeper part of Freud’s theory suggests that within the affection and attention one desires, mating with their parent is the singular goal.
Yeah. Well, that’s weird. And so we can take that theory and apply it to our lives. Freud would suggest that you seek a boyfriend or girlfriend that posses the same traits as your father or mother.
I remember an episode in Scrubs when Carla met Turk’s mom for the first time. From the introductions they just hit it off, albeit because of their criticisms towards Turk. Carla then realized that she was very similar to Momma Turk and she confronted Turk about it. He agreed that Carla resembled his mother but he didn’t think it was weird because they shared traits that, in the end, are desirable to any man in a woman.
And so from that little anecdote, I want to point out something about this Freudian theory. Technically he is right. We do seek someone who resembles our parent. But that is because we can find a lot of strength and perfection in our parents.
I love my mom and I don’t necessarily want to find someone like her but I want to find someone who is humble, a hard worker, (beautiful) and a great cook. Traits that my mother first exposed to me.
So my dad did pretty good. He says he married up in the scale. I just hope that I can do as good, if not better.