When you all you try to exude is positivity. When you show your love and appreciation without reservation, the way God intended. When you don’t enjoy speaking harshly of your fellow man but instead take Ephesians 4:29 to heart and live it out.
That is when you are most vulnerable.
When expletives have no room in your vocabulary. When respect is what you give and what you want. When you realize that there exist a Friend Zone in which friends place you where you’re just “that nice guy" and not "the best friend”.
That is when life is most difficult.
Now, excuse me please. I hate to talk ill of someone behind their back. I feel like it accomplishes nothing. I feel like it does not help someone towards realizing their fullness. But I also believe that there is a time and place for such discussion.
This is not a discussion. This is venting.
I miss my people. I miss embracing our collective Asian -ness. I miss automatically clicking with someone just because they come from the same background I do. I miss it.
But here’s the kicker: I don’t miss it enough to jeopardize my life’s path.
I could have gone somewhere else. I could have gone where there were more of my people. I don’t need this place. It doesn’t need me. But I choose to come here.
Telling me that I am able to be here just because of something I cannot control such as my skin color is insulting.
I understand you had good intentions. I understand that we are buddy-buddy. I understand your sense of humor. But there has to exist some sort of line.
I got my money because I am a leader that strives to represent my people. To tell me that I got my scholarship because I am colored is an insult. And I apologize for letting this happen. I understand that I am at fault also. I have not taken the stance that I should be taking against this. But I will now.
You are basically telling me that my leadership means nothing. You are telling me that I gave up many privileges for nothing. You are telling me that whatever I put my work into, my time into, my being into means absolutely nothing just because of my skin.
All that I am is nothing more than brown skin.
I am not worthless. I did not ride on something that no one has the power to control. I did not take advantage of an already broken system.
To tell me otherwise is to disrespect everyone I represent.
You do something that means something. You be someone that matters. Then talk to me.
I think it is sad that this still exists, both in seriousness and in jest. You are part of the reason why. I am part of the reason why. But no more.
You know who I am. You know what I do and don’t do. I won’t cuss you out. I won’t belittle you in public. I wont call you out. At least not yet. This is neither the time nor the place.
But be ready because the time will come.
You know, my anger is manifested very quietly. I feel like I would accomplish so much more if I were the type that would burst. Sadly, I am not. But even then, this feeling is a dangerous drug. At the same time, I do not want to continue feeling this way and I want to dwell in it for a little longer.
But please take heed because the time and place will arise. Just wait.